In Which Hermione Is Turned Into A Pillow
by ZukoLuver
Summary: One of those odd story ideas. Meant to be humorous and nothing more. Please read Authors Note first.
1. Day One

**Hi! Ok, REALLY important Authors Note:**

**This story has no important plot. Hermione is so OOC its barely even Hermione. Its terribly AU. There is no back story to how she became a pillow. She just did. Voldemort thought it would be funny. I don't know. Anyway. If anything I just said turns you off, please don't read. I don't want to get flames, because I'm warning you all right now. Other than that, it amuses my friends and I, so I hope you enjoy.**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Hermione nor Snape nor Georgia Nicolson and her interesting diary-styled entries that this is based off. _**

**DAY ONE**

**1:00 pm**

He turned me into a pillow! The man who is supposed to be the epitome of evil, a big scary overlord, has turned me into a cushion. A CUSHION! Seriously, is that the best he could come up with? He could have killed me or raped me or tortured me for information that, of course, I wouldn't give. Not that I'd want all that to happen, but it's just more tyrant-like than turning one into furnishings. And then, instead of locking me in and throwing away the key, or guarding me, he's left me here. In the middle of a bed in some wide open room. Not that I could exactly make a great escape, but still, the nerve! I am Hermione Jane Granger! I am Harry Potter's best friend! I am the brightest witch of my age! I am not a pillow! I am not a cushion nor will I ever get used to being one!

**3:00 pm**

He didn't even turn me into a nice one. I mean, there are so many different types one could be, an exotic Japanese floor mat kind, or a pretty ornate couch's. But noooo. Instead I'm just a plain pillow. White. Boring. Not that I'm accepting the fact that I'm a pillow or anything. No way am I more indignant at the style I am instead of the fact that I _am_ home décor. I'm just passing the time. I'll get out of here soon enough. Any minute now one of the Order will come and change me back. Nothing to worry about.

**5:00 pm**

I am bored. I've been laying here for hours. I wish I could stretch my legs. Oh wait. I don't have legs. I'm a fucking pillow. In only knows where. Alone. Not that I'd want to still be with Ol' Snakey. Just that someone would be nice.

**One Minute Later**

Maybe I can talk to other pillows. Okay let's concentrate. _Hello. What's your name? I'm Hermione. I'm a witch. I was captured by Voldemort and turned into a pillow. Are you a captive too?_

**Five Minutes Later**

Pillows can't talk back. The Order will be here soon. I'm positive!

**8:00 pm**

Any minute now…

**10:00 pm**

Success! I heard a door slam! And footsteps! The Order are here at last! Ha HA! Take that Moldy Voldie!

**10:30 pm**

Oh shit. No, no, no, no, no, Hell no! It's not the Order; it's the owner of the house! And it's not just anyone! No, it just couldn't be some random muggle. Because of course that would be way too convenient…well except for the fact I'd be a pillow. No, instead of cushioning some young child, or some nice old lady, I am going to be the pillow of Professor Snape! Does he get some sick pleasure at the thought of laying on one of his female students? What a psycho.

**Five Minutes Later**

Oh god he's taken his cloak off. It's weird, he actually has muscles. Must be from hauling around the dead bodies of his raped students. I wonder if that's why that seventh year girl disappeared two years ago…He can't rape a pillow, can he? Ick. I don't know what image is more disturbing, being raped by Snape or Snape raping a pillow. Both are equally scary.

**Two Minutes Later**

Oh my god he's undressing! In front of me! Don't look, don't look, don't look. AHH! I have no eyes to shut!!!

**One Minute Later**

Ohmigod, it's like porn!

**Ten Minutes Later**

Three words: Scarred. For. Life. Thank god I don't have eyes to shut because I know that I would see that in my nightmares. He stripped down to absolutely nothing. I saw it all, the full monty. Which was actually very surprising. I thought it'd be smaller…No! Not going there! Thank goodness he doesn't sleep naked. Not that I'm letting him sleep on me at all. No, I will stiffen every nerve or fiber of my being. I am rock-woman...pillow.

**One Minute Later**

Ha ha ha ha! He seems surprised to have been rebuffed by his pillow! Serves you right you student-raping-supporter-of-a-cushion-making-overlord!

**Two Minutes Later**

Ow! That crazy mo-fo is punching me! Child abuse! Child abuse! It's not my fault I'm not a comfortable pillow. This is your fault Snape for having these weird sexual urges to lie on students.

**11:15 pm**

Wait, what if he doesn't know it's me? Maybe Voldemort just put me in here without Snape realizing it? Maybe I could send him a message, or like a vibe.

**One Minute Later**

But what vibe says one of your most hated students is the piece of fluff you are currently resting your greasy head on?

**11:30 pm**

Not…working…Must…concentrate…harder…

**11:50 pm**

Aha! His mouth has opened! I bet in shock! He'll wake up any minute now and change me back.

**11:55 pm**

Any minute now…

**2:30 am**

Nothing. I am going to kill Voldemort.

**3:00 am**

Eww…now he's drooling.

* * *

**Well what do you think? You can review and tell me if you didnt like it, just please dont flame me violently. This is seven chapters, andI have them all written, so depending on whether or not it is liked I might put more up soon. **

**Review?**


	2. Day Two

**Hey all! Thanks so much for the reviews. I do need to warn you though; ****it only gets weirder from here****. Seriously weird. I don't even know if it's funny anymore…Well it is under the right circumstances. Hehe. Just a warning.**

**Oh and **_**The-Imagery**_**? You're creepy. Mega creepy. Why do I hang out with you? Haha.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada. Not dear Snape nor Hermione nor Georgia Nicolson's unique diary-styled entries which add a subtle part of the humor if read. All I own is this weird little brain that came up with this story….Lucky me. **

**DAY TWO**

**7:00 am**

Isn't the point of Leglimency to be able to protect your mind so invasive people coughVoldemoroncough can't tell what you're thinking? And isn't Snape supposed to be a master at it? Well, all anyone would have to do to know what he's thinking is watch him sleep! That man talks more than Ginny on sugar! Seriously I could have had a full conversation with him. Except I'm…you know…a pillow. It was so annoying. His innermost thoughts are now taking up valuable space in my brain!

**Five Minutes Later**

What did he say again?

**Two Minutes Later**

At one point he said something about Lucius Malfoy…Now that's odd…why would he murmur HIS name? 

**One Minute Later **

What if Death Eaters have some kind of magic that lets them meet in their dreams? That would absolutely suck. Lucius Malfoy is annoying enough to see in real life. To meet in your dreams must be traumatizing.

**30 Seconds Later**

Ohmigosh! What if he's gay?

**8:30 am**

Doing a mental checklist. Let's see, he's not exactly the touchy-feely kind of guy, so maybe he's straight. Or maybe he's just mean because he's afraid of being made fun of? Maybe he hates James Potter because he had a crush on him! But would he then have a crush on Harry too? Eww. Too weird to think about. Moving on… Hmm… he's definitely not one for fashion. Black sooo isn't his color. And his lack of personal hygiene? Definitely straight.

**8:45 am**

But that dramatic cloak swish?

**8:50 am**

Definitely gay.

**9:00 am**

I'm going to have to think about this a while longer…If only I had copious amounts of time to do nothing but think on this.

**9:05 am**

Hahaha! I amuse myself with my wit.

**12:00 pm**

AHH! I was totally right! He's definitely gay! Unless he and Voldemort usually discuss Death Eater business in the bedroom…

**Two Minutes Later **

Wait a minute, they're not going to go at it right now are they? Right here? In front of me? On top of me?

**Five Minutes Later **

Oh phew! It seems they really are only here to discuss Death Eater business…A bit odd, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

**30 Seconds Later**

Unless this is their foreplay.

**One Minute Later**

Nothing like a good discussion on torture to get you in the mood.

**One Minute Later**

I wonder if they use whips and things…

**30 Seconds Later**

Not that I really want to know or anything.

**Ten Minutes Later**

Wow you can learn a lot in a Death Eater meeting!They talk about Harry Potter's imminent demise (Yea, sure, seventh time's a charm), possible secret locations for the Order (Not even close!), and…aha! Voldemort is reaching toward me! He's going to tell Snape who I really am! Then they'll share a good laugh and he'll turn me back when Voldemort's gone! Yay! I will be free! Victory! 

**Five Minutes Later**

Eww! Ohmigod! Voldemort is sitting here on the bed caressing me! I feel so violated! Even Snape looks confused as to why his master is stroking his pillow. Or maybe it's turning him on. I'm still undecided. But I have more important things to worry about than his unresolved sexuality. That clawed hand is moving around on my being! Oh! I'm going to need a serious bleaching!

**Two Minutes Later**

And then he has the idea to talk about Hermione Granger's mysterious disappearance. And Snape has the gall to look nonplussed! After all we've been through! That's it Mister! We're over. Hmpf. Let's see you get a good night's sleep now!

**Ten Minutes Later**

Ahh! Now he's moving his hand under the pillowcase! RAPE! RAPE! I can't believe this is happening to me. I need to disassociate myself from this situation. Have one of those out of body experiences when you fall into yourself.

**30 Seconds Later**

Find a happy place…find a happy place…Goosefraba… 

**10:00 pm**

Huh...? What happened? Where am I? I was in…Ohmigosh it worked! I have absolutely no memory of what happened! Victory!

**10:05 pm**

I wonder what they said about me. 

**10:10 pm**

Oh look, Snape's coming in to change again.

* * *

**Yep. Definately getting weirder. Should I continue? Or is it too weird? Because believe me. This is NOTHING compared to how weird it gets later. Lemme know!**

**xoxo**

**ZL**


	3. Day Three

**Hey. So sorry for those of you who I promised it would be out by Wed. My house is being painted and the computer was disassembled to make more room. **

**Umm…I'm gonna stop warning you because obviously the weirdness doesn't bother you. :-P.**

**Oh! Wait! I lied. There is one thing. The "Peanut Butter and Jelly thing" (you'll know what I'm talking about) comes from a little kid show called Yo Gabba Gabba. Those of you who might have younger siblings will know what I mean. The rest of you will just think I've lost it. (Which I probably have.)**

**Disclaimer: ZukoLuver = owning nothing :-(**

**Kudos to whoever can find the spongebob reference!...And the Tourettes Guy reference...wow alot of references today... haha.**

* * *

**DAY THREE**

**10:00 am**

The house is quiet. I must have fallen asleep. I don't remember much after the Super Scarring Snape Stripping Second Edition. Hmm…I feel overly light, he must have gone out. I don't wanna open my eyes to look. Way too comfy…'cept my leg's asleep.

**10:02 am**

Holy Fuck I have legs!

**10:04 am**

I'm…I'm…I'm…Human!

**One Minute Later**

Wahoo!!

**One Minute Later**

Okay, okay, calm down Hermione. Assess the situation. You are:

Human

In an empty house

In Snape's empty house

In Snape's empty bedroom

On Snape's bed

Wearing nothing but a pillowcase

Kinda resembling Dobby

Getting off topic!

**One Minute Later**

Okay so personal reflection doesn't work so well right now.

**30 Seconds Later**

Wait, what the hell am I still doing here??

**One Minute Later**

Must…escape…pant…pant…stairs…hallways…kitchen…foyer…ooh kitchen? Oh I'm so hungry! I haven't eaten in days. Days I tell you! No. I…I can't…I must escape…

**10:10 am**

But I'm sooooooooo hungry…

**One Minute Later**

I have tampered down my hunger and reached the front door.

**30 Seconds Later**

Oh crap. It's warded.

**30 Seconds Later**

So…hungry…

**30 Seconds Later**

No! Must crack password! Too hungry to talk big sentences. Me, Tarzan, you, Jane. Must have ADD. Easily sidetracked.

**10 Seconds Later**

Hmm…potions?

**5 Seconds Later**

Nothing.

**5 Seconds Later**

Well, it's uncrackable.

**30 Seconds Later**

Maybe some food will help me think.

**10:30 am**

Peanut Butter! _Yeah?_ In my tummy, yummy yummy! _Yeah!_ Jelly! _Yeah?_ In my tummy, yummy yummy! _Yeah!_ There's a party in my tummy! _So yummy, so yummy! _Yeah there's a party in my tummy! _So yummy, so yummy!_

**5 Minutes Later**

I can't be bothered to find the jelly and bread to make a sandwich. I'm just sitting here on the floor eating peanut butter out of the jar.

**One Minute Later**

Okay, so now I am enticed by the thought of smooth peanut butter mixing with sweet jelly on spongy white bread. I think I shall go make a sandwich. To the fridge!

**One Minute Later**

Ahh. Looks delicious. Now to take a bite…What was that?! Oh no! Snape's home! I feel myself shrinking, changing…NOOOOOOO! I will not be a pillow again! MUST…..RESIST….MUST…FOCUS….ON….. BEING….HUMAN… I….think….it's….working….

**One Minute Later**

Son of a bitch, fuck, damn, crap, hell, bastard, shit, BOB SAGAT!!

**One Minute Later**

I am a pillow again. With my lovely peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the table. All alone. Poor lovie. I'm with you in spirit.

**30 Seconds Later**

Unbelievable! Snape walks in, looks at the random sandwich on the table, looks at his pillow on the floor, then just sits down and starts eating! Like the gods of Peanut Butter and Jelly got together and decided "This man deserves a sandwich."

**30 Seconds Later**

He does not deserve a sandwich.

**Four Minutes Later**

I'm………thirsty…..Sooo……thirsty……….My tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth…….

**One Minute Later**

My proverbial tongue that is. I don't _actually_ have a tongue. Hehe…that would be weird….

**Two Minutes Later**

Oh look, Snape must be thirsty too. He must have felt my vibes and decided he too needed a cold Dairy delight.

**One Minute Later**

HOLY SHIT-FUCK! What the hell? Snape just dropped an entire gallon of milk on me.

**30 Seconds Later**

Well, now I'm no longer thirsty…Just smelling like a sour cow... Oh, now he's picking me up.

**One Minute Later**

Wait! He speaks! "Stupid pillow," he says. Hey! I resent that…ha! There! I dripped on his shoe.

**One Minute Later**

Wow he's still going. This is like the most I've ever heard him say. "Bloody pillow must be cleaned the muggle way, he said. What's the point in having magic if the Dark Lord won't let me use it?

**Two Minutes Later**

Wait….Voldiemamasboy says Snape can't do magic on me? That must mean it would make me turn back!

**30 Seconds Later**

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, WAIT! Did he say clean me the "Muggle Way"??

**30 Seconds Later**

Don't panic Hermione, pillows don't need to breathe, you should be fine. It will be nice to take a shower, it's just a little water…

**Two Minutes Later**

Maybe pillows don't need to breathe, but I do!! Can't…. cough splutter splutter. Gasp. AIR! Need Air! I'm drowning! Drowning Drowwwwwnnnniiiinnggg….I'll get you my Professor! And your little Sandwich too! Cough cough gag choke. NEED AIR!!

**Some Amount of Time Later**

I'm slowly…regaining consciousness….it seems….I can breathe again….I must have blacked out….That was so scary….Ugh….My world is spinning…..The water is slowly being dried out of me…..I must be in the drier…Mmm….Nice and warm…..Ok….now a little hotter…..now a bit more…..now a bit too hot….

**One Minute Later**

HOLY SHIT I'M ON FIRE!!

**One Minute Later**

Put me back in the washer, quick!

**One Minute Later**

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow hot burney owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

**Once More, Some Amount of Time Later**

Finally, the buzzer!

**Two Minutes Later**

I think my eyes dried out.

**Three Minutes Later**

Why isn't he coming? Is he just planning on leaving me in this Sahara?

**One Minute Later**

I need water.

**One Minute Later**

No, I don't need water. Water is for quitters. When in doubt, pinky out!

**30 Seconds Later**

Damnit all! I do not have a pinky!

**Yet Another Amount of Time Later**

Suddenly I feel cool hands lifting me, fluffing me out. I feel a sweet breeze around me as the cool hands carry me away from my despair. I wonder if it's an angel.

**One Minute Later**

Oh. Nope. It's Snape.

**Two Minutes Later**

It's dark out now. The only light is Snape's bedside table lamp. The room is bathed in a soft gold light.

**One Minute Later**

It's incredibly poetic.

**One Minute Later**

Okay. Now I'm bored.

* * *

**Those of you how still want to read, the next chapter is my favorite! Review and it will get here sooner! :-P**


	4. Day Four

**Hi everyone! This chapter is my favorite. I have no idea why but it makes me laugh so hard. (That being said, now none of you will find it funny :-P)**

**And hooray to ****imslytherinatheart**** for finding the SpongeBob reference!**

* * *

**DAY FOUR**

**am?**

Mmm…. Who knows what time it is?…Yes! I'm human again. My hunger is satisfied still. Apparently I don't need to eat much.

**One Minute Later**

I am like a cactus. I can live on very little.

One Minute Later

Okay I need a game plan.

**30 Seconds Later**

1) Try to crack the wards.

2) Escape

**30 Seconds Later**

It's brilliant!

**Five Minutes and a Near Tumble Down the Stairs Later**

Hmm…so Potions didn't work…so….think….concentrate…focus…focus…foc-

**One Minute Later**

Holy Shit! Is that really the time? One pm?? How late did I sleep??

**One Minute Later**

Okay now I just need to focus even more.

**30 Seconds Later**

Slytherin!

**5 Seconds Later**

Hmm…so it's not his house or his job…

**30 Seconds Later**

Lucius Malfoy!

**2 Seconds Later**

Voldemort!

**5 Seconds Later**

Hmm…so it's not his lovers either…

**One Minute Later**

Maybe something he wants?

**30 Seconds Later**

Harry dying a horrible and painful death!

**5 Seconds Later**

Nothing

**30 Seconds Later**

Grr…I don't know!! Let's just name random things around the room. Ceiling, table, Telly, couch, chair…

**One Minute Later**

…fireplace, mantle, wall, Lily Evans??

**30 Seconds Later**

Is that a picture of Lily Evans??

**30 Seconds Later**

Holy shit the wards broke! I can be free.

**One Minute Later**

What am I waiting for?? GO MIONE GO!

**30 Seconds Later**

Leave the picture Hermione! Curiosity killed the cat.

**30 Seconds Later**

Apparently I am a dead cat, because I am heading towards the fireplace.

**One Minute Later**

Ohmigosh. Yes! It IS Lily Evans. Harry's Mum! But what on earth is she doing here?

**30 Seconds Later**

Huh? What's that? That door wasn't there before!

**30 Seconds Later**

Oh! It must be magically hidden. When I touched the picture it showed itself.

**One Minute Later**

Odd. What could Snape be hiding behind a picture of Lily Evans?

**One Minute Later**

OH. MY. GOD.

**10 Seconds Later**

It's a shrine to Lily Evans.

**30 Seconds Later**

Holy Fuck! What a stalker!!

**One Minute Later**

He has multiple pictures of her…at random times! Pictures of her walking, talking, eating, SLEEPING?? Who the fuck let Snape into the girl's dormitory to take pictures while she's sleeping?

**One Minute Later**

Oh my god, on this wall is like the "I hate James" shrine. Thousands of pictures of James and Lily, and in each one James has a different thing wrong with him…Arms missing, eyes in the wrong spots on his head….

**10 Seconds Later**

WHAT THE FUCK?? I'm scared to sleep near him now…

**30 Seconds Later**

Let's go back to the stalking Lily side.

**One Minute Later**

Ohmygod! He even has one of her cloaks hanging on the wall. And there's a nose imprint in it! How many times does Snape come in here and smell this cloak….Ohmigod what a psycho! I'm gonna get raped! For sure. With a psycho like this it's only a matter of time.

**Five Minutes Later**

Oh Crap. Aforementioned psycho is home. RUN!

**One Minute Later**

I dash from the closet post-haste only to be turned into a pillow again. Life hates me.

**Three Minutes Later**

Here comes Snape. Automatically he sees that his pillow is on the floor. He walks over to pick me up…then notices the closet is open and casts a few locating spells…

**One Minute Later**

Apparently satisfied that no one was in his house, Snape goes into the closet and shuts the door.

**One Minute Later**

I don't wanna know what he does in there…

**Seven Hours Later**

Seven hours. Snape disappeared in there for seven hours before picking me up and carrying me back to his bed.

**One Minute Later**

Ohmygod! I really am going to get raped!!

**Five Minutes Later**

Surprisingly, I did not get raped. Snape just put me down and slept on me…

**One Minute Later**

Eww…I think he's smelling me…

**30 Seconds Later**

I really need to get outta here.

* * *

**Halfway done! Review? They make me smile. :-)**


	5. Day Five

**Wow I feel so incredibly guilty. It's been what, over two weeks?? I don't even have a really good excuse, because it's already finished. So, very very sorry. I'll put two chapters up as an apology. bows**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. The end.**

* * *

**DAY FIVE**

**11:00 am**

I seem to be sleeping later and later each day. Somehow I doubt that's a good thing. But there is a good thing, and that's that the bed is empty. Snape is gone. Now I can escape!

**Two Minutes Later**

Oof! Ow. I just fell off the bed. That's odd, it's difficult to stand. My legs feel like cotton. I'm…I'm…I'm starting to be pillow-like permanently! I need to get out of here! Now!

**Three Minutes Later**

I've regained my balance finally. Now I'm sprinting down the hallway, skidding to face the stairs, and…and…and…keep skidding! My foot flies out behind me and I'm falling forward…forward…I close my eyes against the ground as I-

**One Minute Later**

Fall safely into strong arms. He holds me, staring down puzzled at how I came here before shaking his head and muttering "Wandless magic".

**30 Seconds Later**

Huh? No sounding the alarms, death threats, emergency Death Eater Meetings? Instead I'm just cradled in his arms…

**One Minute Later**

Oh. I'm a pillow again.

**Five Minutes Later**

He hasn't put me down yet. He has carried me to the couch and placed me next to him and sat on the couch. Snape sitting on the couch? That doesn't seem like him. In fact, he's still here. That doesn't seem like him either. And is he…watching muggle Telly??

**One Minute Later**

Definitely not acting like himself.

**Two Minutes Later**

Hmm…Time to transform into super secret spy mode.

**One Minute Later**

We're spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies in disguiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise.

**30 Seconds Later**

Okay, I'm calm.

**One Minute Later**

Hmm…He seems paler than normal…and he's not wearing his frock coat, just a white dress shirt and black pants. And his hands were warm when he held me, so in terms of his cold skin that would be…feverish?

**One Minute Later**

He better not get me sick! I'll go all Pillow Jujitsu on his ass.

**Five Minutes Later**

Hmm…what is on the Telly today?

**One Minute Later**

Damn I can't see! I'll have to try and tell by listening.

**One Minute Later**

Ok…sounds like…gurgling…a mouthwash ad? No, there's music playing…sickly sweet boppy music…Must be a baby channel. Now he's flipping again.

**30 Seconds Later**

Hmm…sounds like a monkey. Yes a monkey. But not just an ordinary monkey. No a rare talking monkey. Yes a rare talking monkey. That is what I am. For I am Mojo Jo Jo! Hahahahaha! I loved the Powerpuff Girls! Aww…he's flipping again…

**40 Seconds Later**

Wow. It must be the animal channel. It sounds like either a zebra torture chamber or a mass donkey orgy…NEXT!

**Five Minutes Later**

Finally, he seems to have settled on something. It's about time. I can't tell what it is though…There are women's voices… and men's voices…and odd classical music…and a weird narrators voice…and Snape is shifting his thigh…and I can see the TV screen…and…

**5 Seconds Later**

OHMYGOD SNAPE IS WATCHING DESPERATE HOUSWIVES!!

**12:00 pm**

I feel like my brain has just died.

**12:05 pm**

That has to be the stupidest show I've seen my entire life. And get this! Snape was totally enthralled! He even leaned forward in his seat as whats-her-face Ugly Brunette set fire to Skanky Blonde's house because she thought she was having sex with Even Uglier New Neighbor because Ugly Brunette fancied him but then Skanky Blonde came in and asked him to "clean her pipes" so Ugly Brunette set fire to her house but it turned out Skanky Blonde was only screwing Random Guy. And some other random guy was burying something in a mound of dirt. That is the season premiere of Desperate Housewives.

**12:06 pm**

I really feel that much stupider. Stupider? Is that even a word? See! Its brain eating television! Which thank god I'll never have to see again and

**12:07 pm  
**

Oh crap there's a Marathon.

**One Minute Later**

Phew. Apparently Snape doesn't know what that means so he switched the channel.

**Two Minutes Later**

Ooh…"A Haunting". Sounds cool. Me like. Apparently Snape like too.

**30 Minutes Later**

HOLY SHIT! NO! Don't tell him you think he's being possessed by a poltergeist! You'll only make it mad.

**One Minute Later**

Fine don't listen to me. I will feel no sympathy when shit happens to him.

**30 Seconds Later**

Hahahahaha! His skin is being ripped apart piece by piece! Warned ya! But noooo you wouldn't listen to me would ya you little know it all bitch!

**5 Seconds Later**

I can't believe it. I'm having an argument with the Telly. Hmm...I need something else to occupy myself with. I know! Lets Snape watch.

**One Minute Later**

Wow! I've been so busy fighting watching the poltergeist I haven't looked at Snape in a while. He looks pale as a ghost.

**30 Seconds Later**

Hahahahaha! Pale as a ghost! While watching a poltergeist. Hahahahaha. Get it?

**5 Seconds Later**

I am a comedic genius.

**One Minute Later**

But seriously. He's really friggen white. He's not going to throw up is he?

**One Minute Later**

Hmm…I'm trying to feel his skin through his clothes…

**One Minute Later**

OHMIGOD I'M MOLESTING SNAPE.

**30 Seconds Later**

Okay, calm down Hermione, your simply attempting to take his temperature. If you want to become a Healer, you're going to need to be comfortable around other people's bodies. You can't be afraid to touch them and undress them and…

**10 Seconds Later**

Am I becoming a Healer or a Prostitute?

**Five Minutes Later**

Oh my god, Snape isn't feverish again, he's scared! A new episode came on while I was feeling him up…that is taking his temperature…and something happened and he jumped about five feet in the air.

**One Minute Later**

Oof! And he just squeezed me against him. And squealed like a little girl. Ahahahahaha!

**Five Minutes Later**

The doorbell? Who could that be?

**30 Seconds Later**

Oof…again. Snape just threw me on the couch! After all the comfort I just gave him! What a tosser.

**30 Seconds Later**

AHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it? Tosser? He is a wanker, AND he tossed me on the couch. Hahahahaha! Give me some butter 'cause I'm on a roll today!

**One Minute Later**

And just like that, my good mood is gone. Because who should walk through the door but Lucius Malfoy. Master Tosser himself. They stand there and talk for a while, then come over to the couch. And he sits down. Next to Snape. On Snape's couch. On me. Half of Lucius Malfoy's ass is now resting on me. Now _I_ feel sick.

**One Minute Later**

What did he say? "Let's watch it" it sounded like he said.

One Minute Later

Oh great. Now they're watching Desperate Housewives.

**Some Large Amount of Time Later**

Finally, he left. Snape went into his room. He shut the door. I think he's asleep. It's dark outside. They watched the entire marathon. Ugh…I can only speak in small sentences. My brain feels rotted.

**30 Seconds Later**

And I have Lucius Malfoy's ass imprinted on my face.

* * *

**One more, for being so patient.**


	6. Day Six

**Again, sorry sorry sorry!**

* * *

**DAY SIX**

**Some Time in the Morning, Who Keeps Track Anymore?**

Yawn. Wow I feel great. I slept like a baby all night. I guess I forgot what it's like to actually get to sleep without a person's body pressing into you...

**30 Seconds Later**

Wow…sounds kinky.

**One Minute Later**

Ahh, now to stretch my legs…

**Two Minutes Later**

OHMIGOD! I'M STILL A PILLOW!!

**One Minute Later**

WHY??

**Two Minutes Later**

What if I missed it? I know I've been feeling more and more pillow-like every day, but what if yesterday was my last chance, but I was too busy playing Ass Cushion to Lucius Malfoy? And now I'll be stuck here forever?

**One Minute Later**

I will find some way to make sure the next thing he sits on will be a porcupine.

30 Seconds Later

Damn it! I need to get out of here! I can't be a pillow forever! I'd kill myself!

**One Minute Later**

How would a pillow kill themselves?

**One Minute Later**

I know! I'd like eat myself from the inside out.

**One Minute Later**

Would that count as cannibalism?

**Two Minutes Later**

Getting off topic! I. Need. To Leave. NOW!

**30 Seconds Later**

Ohmigod! I just flew off the couch to the floor! I can fly? She can fly!

**10 Seconds Later**

She can fly, she can fly, she can fly, she can fly, she can ffffflllllllllyyyyyyy…..

**One Minute Later**

Nay! I can move! Crawling, inch by inch across the floor! No…more like centimeter by centimeter….make that….millimeter by millimeter…err…nanometer by nanometer?

**One Minute Later**

Damn this is taking too long! I need to fly like before…hmm…think…think…

**One Minute Later**

Think of the happiest things, It's the same as having wings! Think of all the joy you'll find, When you leave the world behind, And bid your cares good-byeeeeeeee…You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

**Two Minutes Later**

It worked! I'm flying across the room! Look! Above the carpet! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's-

**10 Seconds Later**

A pillow in the fireplace.

**30 Seconds Later**

Cough Cough. Ugh! I'm covered in ash! And this is not the cool "Gotta Catch 'Em All" Ash. This is the sticky grimy icky dusty ash.

**Two Minutes Later**

Here comes Snape. He must have heard the crash. He's scowling something fierce. I don't know which I'm more afraid of, him putting me in the wash again or him leaving me like this.

**Five Minutes Later**

That's odd…he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom…

**10 Seconds Later**

HIS bedroom. Not mine. Wow. I can't believe I just referred to it as that. All the more proof I need to get outta here.

**Five Minutes Later**

What now? He's holding me in his arms and his hands are…

**30 Seconds Later**

Hey hey that is off limits! No below the case activity until you at least buy me dinner first!

**One Minute Later**

Great. Now he has my only protection from the world in his hands and I'm on the bed.

**One Minute Later**

Look! It speaks! "Don't care what the Dark Lord says. I'm cleaning this however I bloody want."

**10 Seconds Later**

Wait! He's getting out his wand! The one he does magic with everyday…

**10 Seconds Later**

Now he sounds like a nympho… but wait! He's pointing it at me!

**5 Seconds Later**

Heehee

**5 Seconds Later**

Look! Sparks flew out of the tip.

**10 Seconds Later**

...………….…Stop it Hermione!

**10 Seconds Later**

He did some spell! I feel different…freer, larger…more…

**30 Seconds Later**

NUDE! I'm naked, without even my small pillow case! Ohmigosh! I'm nude on Snape's bed!! Ohmigod! This is soooo traumatizing!

**30 Seconds Later**

Hahaha! He fainted!

**One Minute Later**

Out the room, down the stairs, past the kitchen, no Peanut Butter Sandwich can tempt me now! Through the foyer, at the door, LILY EVANS! Hear the click, open the door and

**One Minute Later**

FREEDOM!!

**Five Minutes Later**

WAHOO!! I can't walk; I'm running through the park. I'm so happy. FREEDOM!

**One Minute Later**

People keep looking at me. I know! It must be because I've been all over the news! I'm sure people have been wondering where I was all this time!

**30 Seconds Later**

Here I am World!

**One Minute Later**

Oh look a Bobby! He can help me get back to my family! Hey Sir!

**30 Seconds Later**

He's running towards me. The service is really good in this part of town!

**30 Seconds Later**

Wait what? Handcuffs? No! I-

**7:00 pm**

I'm sitting in a Police Station. Under Arrest. For Streaking.

* * *

**Only one chapter left! The epilogue. Review? I promise to get it up on time this time. :-D**


	7. Day Seven

**Well this is it. This is the end. I want to thank you all so much for your reviews and favorites. They inspire me to write.**

**One thing that was mentioned in a review is the fact that Hermione seemed to be getting a bit dumber each day. I dont know how well I wrote it, but that was supposed to be happening, to signify her becoming more pillow-like. Fluff for brains. And while it will get better over time, its gonna take a while, as you can see. Haha.**

**So, without further ado, here you have it, the conclusion. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer- None of the characters are mine.**

**DAY SEVEN**

**Five Months Later**

Phew. I never thought I'd see the sky again, but it's such a relief to. I try to walk everywhere now to appreciate the beauty of nature. It's like that Emerson guy wrote: "blah blah nature blah blah intuition blah blah"…basically a bunch of big words saying Nature Rocks and you should spend more time in it than on the Telly. So. Here I am. Enjoying nature. Lalala! Lovely lovely sky! Lovely lovely wind!

**Two Minutes Later**

Lalala. Oh look! It's Mauricia, the old woman who lives next door. She uses a wheelchair, I feel bad. I should be nice to her.

**One Minute Later**

"Hello Mauricia! It's a beautiful day to stretch your legs isn't it?

**30 Seconds Later**

She doesn't like me very much. I don't know why…

**One Minute Later**

Oh no. It's him. Chip. The bane of my existence. Every day he watches me walk past his house with those beady eyes of his. He always taunts me too. Dumb Chip. Thinks he's smarter than me eh? Well I'll show him smart! I ought to push him in front of a car.

**One Minute Later**

God damned self assured squirrel.

**One Minute Later**

I really need to learn that spell. I'm sure a Chip Pillow could benefit the world in some manner.

**Fifteen Minutes Later**

Who…the hell….made St Mungo's so far…away…pant pant. Oh well, it's worth it. I have taken on an apprenticeship there. It's great. I can't wait to be able to help people As Healer Granger. Hehe. I love how that sounds. Healer Granger. Madame Healer Granger. May I take your coat Madame Healer Granger? Why yes, certainly Doctor…

**One Minute Later**

Oh crap. I've lost it.

**30 Seconds Later**

But that would imply I actually had it to begin with. HA!

**Thirty Minutes Later**

Right. So we're working in the Psychiatry department today. Yeah. Fun. Right now I'm going to get more linens for Mrs. Drooleymanlady. I think that's her name. Anyway, Mrs. D doesn't like her sheets so I'm sent to go get more. I'm gonna be a freaking Healer in a freaking magic hospital, and instead of just saying Accio, I'm sent like a dog to go fetch.

**One Minute Later**

I blame my hormones. Because I would not go and get these sheets without a fight normally. But then Healer Duncan (major eye candy) says "Hermione, go get more sheets for the bed" and I go away drooling more than Mrs. D because he used my name and the word bed in the same sentence. Hehe.

**Two Minutes Later**

Yeah so I'm in the linen closet now. There's tons of sheets and…Pillows! Ahh! I can't look at pillows. I can't even sleep on pillows anymore. I hope old Toenail Face is happy.

**One Minute Later**

I really should see if any of these pillows are people. It really sucks lying there not being able to talk.

**One Minute Later**

"Is anyone here not really a pillow?"

**One Minute Later**

No answer. Oh well. Guess not. God, I'm like a girl scout, I'm so caring. Ahh. Here are the sheets for Duncan.

**10 Minutes Later**

OH. MY. GOD. I cannot believe what I just saw! Lockhart has a new roommate in Loony Bin Central! Snape!

**One Minute Later**

Ohmigosh! What happened to him? Did Voldemort _crucio_ him for losing me? I'd feel so bad if he was a vegetable.

**Four Minutes Later**

Making lunches for the patients. Ahh here's his room. Sandwich, water, napkin, spoon, and lime green jello. I label it with Lockhart's name and number and move onto Snape's.

**One Minute Later**

The nurse delivering the trays sees whose I'm making and starts talking. "Oh, yeah," she says. "Poor guy. Saw something disturbing and was mentally scarred. Mutters all night long and can't sleep on a pillow. Can't look at pillows! Starts screaming high-pitched and faints on the spot. Oh, but I'm rambling. I'll be back to pick up that one in a second.

**Two Minutes Later**

Trying to process this information.

**30 Seconds Later**

The Pillow Thing scared him too? We're kin in the fact that we can't sleep on pillows!

**One Minute Later**

Wait. Did she say he saw something scarring??

**30 Seconds Later**

I have a great body! How dare he be scarred for life after seeing me? I work out!

**30 Seconds Later**

After all the good times we had! I am very insulted.

**10 Seconds Later**

So I spit in his jello.

* * *

**THE END!**


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